Funny Quotes From Family Guy

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Funny Quotes From Family Guy Biography
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Laurence Boyce
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10 of the Funniest Family Guy Quotes
by Laurence Boyce22 October 20118 Comments
As Season 9 of Family Guy hits DVD, we look at some of the best – and near the knuckle– lines delivered during each season.

There was a time when people dismissed Family Guy as nothing more than a rip-off of The Simpsons. Obese and stupid Dad? Precocious child with a problem with authority? All present and correct. Good job the characters weren’t yellow otherwise Matt Groening and the lawyers would be having a conniption fit. Yet, from the very first moment it was broadcast, Family Guy showed that – in many ways – it had more edge than its Springfield set counterpart. Bart Simpson is proud of underachieving. Stewie Griffin is proud of wanting to kill his mother. Unafraid of the political, the cruel and the scatological the show has had many moments when you can’t help think “I can’t believe they just did that,”

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, ‘Oooooo.’

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

(Season 1: ‘The Son Also Draws’)

Lois: Peter tell Chris that women are not objects!

Peter: Your mother’s right Chris, listen to what it says.

Season 2: ‘Running Mates’

Stewie: “We’re playing house…”

Lois: “But that kid is all tied up!”

Stewie: “Roman Polanski’s house.”

Season 3: ‘The Kiss Seen Around The World’

Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you’re gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.

Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?

Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.

Season 4: ‘Model Misbehaviour’

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That’s just stupid what you said.

Season 5: ‘Petergeist’

Francis: There’s no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.
Stewie: Oh yes, nothing says eat up like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Season 5: ‘The Father, The Son and the Holy Fonz’

Tom Tucker: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

Season 6, ‘Chick Cancer’

Presenter: And the Grammy, for biggest posse goes to…Ja Rule!
Madonna: What!?
Presenter: No Madonna, posse, posse.
Madonna: Oh.

Season 6: ‘Saving Private Brian’

Peter: 9/11 changed everything!
Brian: Peter, you didn’t even know what 9/11 was until 2004.

Season 7: ‘Padre Da Familia

Stewie: Who’s that rather attractive woman on a camel?

Brian: That’s Peter O’Toole.

Peter: You movie buffs might likes this, both of his names are slang for penis.

Season 8: ‘Big Man on Hippocampus’

Carnie: Step right up, step right up! You won’t believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam.

Peter: What a ripoff, it’s just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style

Season 9: ‘The Road to the Multiverse’

Chris (as Luke Skywalker): You don’t believe in the force, do you?

Peter (as Han Solo): Oh, you mean that thing you just learned about three hours ago, and am now judging me for not believing in?
Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven
[children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot.

If you are a fan of Family Guy you are surely looking for funny Family Guy quotes. So here is a dose of quotes that are a riot.
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie@yahoo.com.
Forecast for tomorrow; a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!
Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of active grenades!
This is life. So go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Remember, nothing says 'good job' like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
I only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.
Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Funny Quotes From Family Guy